You don't have to agree....

One of the most useful phrases I tell myself is: You don't have to agree with everyone but you have to respect them. I'll leave it at that. I just had some delicious bananas from Target and yoplait yogurt. I know that bananas are not a good purchase for the rainforest, but I love the banana and they all come from a similar looking tree. Same thinking goes for the unrecyclable, will be here in 1,00,000 years, teensy tiny individual yogurt container that I bought. I wanted the key lime yogurt. I'm going bananas.

Village Inn

I want to go to Village Inn. I am thinking about going to Village Inn. Village Inn was the place to go and high school and feel friendship being drummed up. We went before we had jobs and when we were starting our first jobs. We went at 4:00 in the morning after school dances. I feel nostalgic about the little hearth that we warmed our hands on there. Village Inn for me was a part of America that brought me back to being an American after I made all my fancy trips to Africa and Latin America. I couldn't deny my Americanness there and I didn't want to. Now I hardly ever go in one because I am going to fancy themed restaurants or eating fast food. There is a lot of creativity in a Village Inn. It is a very basic place, with frilly pies, in which you can delare: I LOVE WHERE I AM AND WHO I AM WITH. I haven't been to a Village Inn in a while and I'm not so brash to be making declarative statements of love these days. Hopefully there will be more of Village Inns in my future.

Gratitute Journal

When I feel gratitude, I feel a sense of adventure - like when I am driving home during a snow storm. My inner man comes out when I do that and I feel so grateful for the opportunity to just drive. It's not a brash or out of control feeling, mostly it's just an amazing one. More about my inner man in further posts. He's a little shy about coming out. I don't know his name or what he looks like. I know what his mind is like but not really important things like how to tell him to sit out or be quiet if he is getting into my affairs.
He is a flower with roots.
I think my mind is just so imaginative because I made a mistake at work and I am afraid that I will have to face up to it in a really castigating way. Those kind of things make my mind stretch out. It feels uncomfortable. It happens even though the place where I work is supportive when mistakes happen, and of me. Is writing these crazy words about silly things like having an inner man what makes me scared that people won't support me? Can I walk in a humble path that God made for me and still explore the idea of an inner man? Once someone talked to me about my inner man before I was ready to hear about him and it almost killed me. From both of our visions he is a football player with wings. American football.
Here is a toast to the life of my inner man and inner woman.

Grateful Journal

In the Barnes and Noble books there was a kitschy "Grateful Journal" which was on sale. Excercise One: List everything you did during the day and celebrate it. I bought a new mattress and decided for something super soft. I bought new goggles (always losing them) and went swimming. I ate a good breakfast and I babysat at church. Last weekend I was so tired I didn't do anything. I looked at some of my demons: I'm worried about such and such. So and so person might say something about me. There's a very defensive and reactive part of me. I can play my defensive off as a wise problem solver. Really I'm crumbling inside cause I'm scared. Like a flower that's been picked. Scared I will wilt. According to this grateful journal I will know that I am grateful when I am no longer scared. Or angry. I will have hope.

Arizona

Well...so far I've learned about Arizona that the 2 canals running through the city were first built by native Americans and then abandonned. Many times they have very low water supply because of some of the same water issues we have in Colorado - everyone needs some. Been having dreams about rooms, my bedroom but shrunken, my sister's bedroom where I was going to spend the night. When I was looking at the Zenhouse (the bed and breakfast) in Arizona, I was thinking if I had money I would really step it up around the house and create some rooms that were really imaginative and restful like theirs. This period of my life, where I am starting to be open to so many possibilities, deserves to be surrounded by kitsch luxury. For sure. Or maybe even by something more - by a meditative house with a young vibe.

Looking forward to

Found online a bed and breakfast that rents bicycles, has a solar hottub and is run by a gay couple. It's in Phoenix where my big conference is in March. In a few days, I will book there officially. Hopefully my camera will be working by then or I will have figured out how to download from the camcorder so I can put pictures from there up here on the blog.

There is a boy I have run into once at the cafe I like to go and write at. I haven't been there is a while. Since it's 17 degrees and past my bedtime I don't feel very motivated. And woooonderful, I just realized that it's Valentines Day. Oh non, non mignonne!! Oh wait - seriously?? Do I really have to let Valentines Day trouble me? Sometimes I still feel tied up in my old relationship. It feels so safe. But I realize it is like a plane circing toward the ground. It's got twirly bird sickness in it. I feel like I'm holding onto the seat, expecting a crash landing. I want to fly like a bird with someone.

Let's hear it for morals (and sour patch kids)

did some reading today on why people do things. is it self interest, interest in preserving the group so they can go on? or is it morals? morals make the most sense to me .... morals motivate people. not some sort of calvinist morals, but the kind of morals that you could make a good exciting movie out of. (you pick what you like, and what you want in your movie.) i guess i have to see, how can i mesh with the fabric of my workplace, which is very much about showing up for moral reasons. described as being able to be present for other people.
these are a little bit of lonely times, maybe that is why i am focusing so much on my work. at home i don't have the same moral instinct, even though i know that rest, relaxation and recuperation are what i need for the next day's work. i still feel lonely though. maybe it's time to explore how my resting and recuperation here can lead me to be open to other people around me. i am a sour patch kid that i want someone to suck on. maybe i just am not letting the right people in.

Day in bed

Spent the day in bed. Hope this does not keep happening. Wish I hadn't written that about my parents. Called the old boyfriend who was mentioned in post "Charging Elephant." Always good to talk to him. It's around the time of his birthday. Maybe that's why I was thinking of him.

Charging Elephant

Staying awake and alive last night thinking about an old boyfriend. Yuck! Many thoughts about why such and such happpened, what we meant to each other.....trying to wrangle some meaning out of the wreckage. Trying to do this crazier than trying to jump on a charging elephant's face. The elephant doesn't like it, and you feel like, why did I do that?

So no new meaning was discovered last night, except I miss him. And I think he is a good person. Today was an overwhelming day. Spent mostly on the couch and then had a phone call from my parents that was as if they had specially picked out today to call and give me a guilt trip. Similar to when people call you to wish you a happy birthday, but this was like a happy "guilt-trip eve" call.

Late Nights

I love Late Nights. Late Nights with David Letterman isn't a show I watch, but the psychology of naming it that, naming it something that speaks volumes about the feeling of extending my day past when it gets dark, of watching my clock swing by the hours where children have to go to bed, and wallowing in hours given to do the miscellaneous stuff that doesn't get done during the day. There should be more late nights.

It is SO Friday

My head is in a jumble. I went to a South America/ Central American art gallery and bought some loteria cards that corresponded to this exhibit they had of giant silk screen loteria cards on the walls. I THINK I'll use them for cards for people when something nice happens. They are really beautiful though, maybe I'll just keep them. They remind me of my grandmother - elegant and exotic. I often give away valuable perspectives which I hold or my knowledge. Instead of more of this giving away business, maybe I should keep the loteria cards just for me. Damn - I was wanting to buy some little notecards for thank yous. Will I not use the loteria cards? Am I going to have to go to Target and hunt, because it will be a literal hunt, for thank you cards? Calgon, take me away!!!!!!!!!!!

Details

So I had another great day. Not in anyway perfect, still feeling challenges from those who think I did not do enough to accomplish our shared goals. Feeling the burn of this, and feeling my own groping toward what my responsibility is. For this period in my life, or maybe alwyas, I think I will have that need to balance those feelings and my thoughts. Then just this big question - how to get everything done? I'm half joking half serious if I said I don't want another 20 years to pass before I get a maninure. I'm waiting for the internet to come up so I can write this blog while I'm smelling the cat box. I'm thinking about my secret buddy at work and the amazing secret buddy Julia vs. Julie gift I am going to get her and when, when, when I am going to have time to do that? The list of things to do is absolutely zany. Things like that are both important and not important.

Ramble

It's the end of a really good day, but I still feel a little spacy. I think I'm tired. I can always tell I'm tired because my imagination starts working overdrive. I'm glad for knowing all the people who care about me. I'm glad that I had two or three times to laugh today. Because today was a day when we met in teams at work and talked about our progress I left feeling underappreciated by some. I felt frustrated by what I saw other's role was in group results - then, on the other hand, tonight after the end of this long day I was asking myself 'What am I doing to contribute to those results?' I think I need to keep doing my yoga and walking to be in touch with myself about these questions and feelings. I also need to get up in time for my carpool so that in the early morning I am with people who support me and help me balance the questions and feelings. I can't let my imagination be the writer to the answer of this question. I have to let it be the head, because "we only value what we think about."

TV Dinnah'

Tonight I am having dinner out of a box because I have been too busy to cook real dinner and there is also no food in the house. I've had an ambivalent relationship to food all day today. I actually lost my breakfast, I put a carton of yogurt in my jacket pocket and then put my jacket away.... For a snack I had some M&Ms, for lunch I had a tuna salad prepackaged with crackers and one co-worker gave me half of his Fanta which was a wonderful surprise. So there's been lots of sweets and packages today. I wish there was a grocery store closer and I could go buy a big ................. yam and put it in the microwave.

More of that TLC

Today again, even for it being a Monday, I could not help but feel the love of those who surrounded me. I feel blessed to work where people care about me, and I can care for others. Idid have my list of Monday woes - my mind started to work too much which is my biggest problem. Other than that it was a good day.